I’ve often wondered, what it truly means to pay tribute to someone who has passed away. In a world where rituals, beliefs & science around death vary so widely, the question feels deeply personal, considering the fact there is no life after death no possibilities of reincarnation / resurrection. I believe the story for soul are created only to keep the spirit alive in one’s mind. That’s why we write obituary.
My thoughts are shaped as much by literature and poetry as by conversations with grieving friends and family.
We all recognize the standard playbook of mourning, condolences offered to the grieving family, memories shared of the departed, and perhaps a few moments of silence to honour what was lost. Yet, I find myself questioning whether these gestures always serve the living in a meaningful way. Do they help the person who is left behind such a deep impact in our lives ?
The living deserves to be honoured and remembered with honesty, care, and compassion, similarly the deceased deserve to be remembered in ways that reflect who they were, not just who others wish they were. But the line between authentic memory and performative tribute.
A tribute should reflect the complexities of a person’s life the good, the imperfect, the ordinary, the extraordinary. People are layered, a respectful obituary or memorial should strive to name some of that depth rather than reduce someone to a single trait or a flattering stereotype.
Vague praise like (“they were a wonderful person”) can feel hollow. Specific anecdotes, habits, humorous quirks, or acts of kindness give others a window into the person’s life and make the tribute personal and authentic.
An obituary is often the first public portrait of a person who has died. It travels beyond close friends and family, reaching colleagues, acquaintances, and strangers who may have only met the deceased briefly.
Its should also cover the points like, what role that person has played with parents, friend, mentor, neighbour, colleague. Recognizing concrete relationships helps the living make sense of their own grief and preserves a continuity of memory.
I have also seen, some families want to highlight achievements and contributions, others prefer to emphasize everyday routines, acts of kindness, which can be avoided.
The danger of “performative” tributes The Kabir’s doha serves as a cautionary note: after death, a person can be recast through others’ rituals
जिंदा
बाप कोई न पूजे,
मरे बाद पुजवाया
मुठ्ठीभर चावल ले के कौवे को बाप बनाया
Here, Kabir is pointing to the fragility and sometimes performative nature of our tribute the way we attached to certain rituals and getting detached from the person’s actual life and relationships.
This really flattens the narrative that erase flaws or struggles. Nobody is perfect, and pretending otherwise can feel disrespectful to the complexity of a life lived.
Obituaries that read like templates, lacking personal detail or named relationships, leaving readers with a sense of gloss rather than connection.
Obituary with honest heart! Ultimately, is the right way to pay tribute to
someone who has died.
The best memory should be filled with rooted honesty,
specificity, and compassion. They acknowledge a life lived in full complexity,
celebrate the relationships that endures beyond death, and offer solace to the
living.
